What do sweet potatoes wear to bed? . Psstthese fish puns will really split your gills! How do you get a country girls attention? Where do you find chili beans? Please fill out this form with your social security number, firstborns name, GPA, work history, current salary, and phone number of your high school crush. Because they make up everything! Customer: "Someone removed the appendix.". The main challenge of finding a great dad joke is choosing funny jokes that are ridiculous, innocent, and suitable for all ages. The bartender says, Would you like a beer? Descartes replies, I think not. And promptly disappears. 24 Hilarious Clean Up Puns - Punstoppable 5. 8. 69. It should look cool on my black jeep. Because seven eight nine. Lots. 17. No prob-llama. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. Jimmy Carr, I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. The statistician yells, We got em!. Mondays make me sad, but 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day. Fourth of July jokes and memes to get your family laughing this year Monday is a weekday. Two cats swam the English Channel. Thus came about the phrase, "He who has a Tate's is lost.". Famous One Liner Jokes. His energy and humorous content had our event attendees wanting our company to book him again!, Kylene Donaldson, Western Financial Group, Michael Kerrs humor, messages and energy was not lost at all in the virtual format and allowed us to continue an important tradition of having fun and being together. By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. He got 12 months! Whats the best part about teamwork? 87. Know any good rope jokes? It's making headlines. Of all the inventions of the last century, the dry erase board is the most remarkable. Ears? A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some two-by-fours. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. What guarantees to ruin your Friday? Why is a swordfishs nose 11 inches long? The artist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The moment when Sunday is overtaken by the sadness and anxiety of the coming Monday. Country. Why are chemists great at solving problems? I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. What do biologists wear to work on Casual Friday? 15. What does an employee look forward to on Friday nights? I couldn't put it down. They're afraid to get mugged. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, A man walks into a chemists and says: Can I have a bar of soap, please? The chemist says: Do you want it scented? And the man says: No, Ill take it with me now. Ronnie Barker, Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my doors always open. Paul F. Taylor, People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves. Abi Roberts, I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. 2. In democracy your vote counts. They charged one and let the other one off. Tommy Cooper, Im learning the hokey cokey. Knock, knock. #4 If a neighboring business puts up a sign saying lowest prices, simply erect your own sign saying main entrance! #1. When does bread go bad? So I became a mom. Then the other eyelid. Ken Dodd, I like rice. 55. What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. An avid traveler, foodie, helicopter parent and couch film critic, Sarah is originally from Minneapolis and has spent the last two decades unsuccessfully trying to figure out the difference between a hoagie and a sub. 42. I choose round. Sarah Millican, When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. Watch: Baby can't stop laughing. A tractor. I know Im home when the Wi-Fi automatically connects. #42 I got fired at work today, she said my communication skills werent up to scratch. Whenever I feel sad in the middle of the week, I remember that the calendar says WTF: wait til Friday. One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank. Riveting! Stewart Francis, The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. #64 A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer. Along with food and animal witticisms, we've rounded up silly puns about love, coffee, math and science, including this smart (or seriously stupid, depending on how you look at it) quip: "A chemist walked into a couch store and ended up buying a photon" and "Why didnt the tea go up the hill? I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. They planet. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 32. Im still employed. 86. #56 Who should we notify just in case you fall ill in the office? A very good doctor, please. What do you get from pampered cows? Who invented King Arthur's round table? But is she grateful? Although they produced fine and accurate watches, the same was not true of their compasses. #27 When you cant say lets just forget the whole thing, you know crisis level has been reached. Because he was out standing in his field! Did you hear about the mathematician whos afraid of negative numbers? They are watchdogs. I said: I want to make a complaint this vinegars got lumps in it. He said: Those are pickled onions. Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off. Milton Jones, I moved to a well-to-do area. Every time Im late to a Zoom meeting, I always blame network traffic. 70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated. 9. What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons? #36 I got fired from the orange juice factoryI just couldnt concentrate. 110 clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh #58 Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing its actually Tuesday. 34. 37. Only a mon-key will be able to open the lock to my house. It cures all my ale-ments. )., Mario Bernardi, Executive Director, ClimateCare Co-operative, You were by far the best rated speaker. Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. "Girl, you really got me growing.". I cant see myself coming in today. An impasta. If you push that down and twist it, hes full of sweets. Sean Lock, My problem with The Grand Canyon is Americans are too proud of it for my liking. Plagiarism: Getting into trouble for something you didn't do. #1 My boss asked me to put a joke on the first slide of the presentationapparently a picture of my pay slip wasnt what he was looking for. Why didn't the turkey cross the road? What do you call two guys hanging on a window? Whats the opposite of artificial intelligence? I get plenty of exercise at work: Jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. 94. Did you hear about the dog that had a bad day at work? Prevention! 64. 9. He told me not to think of him as the boss, rather, think of him as a friend who is never wrong.. So I used my paycheck as the first slide. A horse walks into a bar. 52. I sit and look at it for hours. #82 One day, a customer placed a huge order for numerous goods but suddenly the company realized they hadnt paid for the previous order. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. The horse says, "You read my mind.". A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. Career advancement is in ruins. 33. Even if you roll your eyes while reading 'em, they'll still give you something to taco 'bout. Two in the front. #100 Is our money all gone? No, dont panicits just with somebody else at the moment. Editors note: All of these hilarious jokes for work are in the public domain. With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too. #18 He gave a great 10-minute business speech yesterday. 25. Chick Peas can hummus one. It's a Dead Giveaway. Why did the tomato turn red? Sometimes they wear badges that say press, but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised. Milton Jones, Toughest job I ever had? 82.50 % / 348 votes. Because if it were 12 inches, it would be a foot. Searching for silly (but stupid) one-liners about food, love and animals? What do you call a can opener that doesnt work? An Instagram. Why did one auto company attack another auto company? They're sketchy. Two men are on opposite sides of the river. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. One liner tags: attitude, rude, sarcastic, work. What is the most detail-oriented ocean? One liner tags: life, puns, sarcastic, summer 63. 1. What does the worlds top dentist get? A horse walks into a bar. When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, A very good doctor.. Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom. You stay here, Ill go on ahead!. If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds? By far, the best speaker weve ever had!, Rod Smith, VP, Business Development, Century Vallen, Keynotes, Workshops & Virtual Presentations, The Humor Advantage: Why Some Businesses Are Laughing All the Way to the Bank. A talking muffin!. This article was originally published on Aug. 11, 2020, 5 Lessons That Prove 'Dune' Is The Greatest Parenting Book Ever, Epic 'Dune 2' Trailer Is Still Hiding A Massive Family Tree Twist. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die! Bill Murray, I bought myself some glasses. Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. You just might get some giggles and groans! World's Best One Liners. What do you call a joke that isn't funny? I hate Mondays, but at least they only happen once a week. Its called gross pay because its disgusting to see how much money you would have made before taxes. Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else. Why was the hospital empty? Wanna hear a one-word scary story? #33 Tell me, how many people work in your company? Snow who? I was going to tell a carpentry joke, but I couldnt find any of that woodwork. Why did the robot go on summer vacation? I was delighted for them but my fridge is still broken. Report. Is your name Summer? They dont go to work. 7 comments. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? 101. 13. One liner tags: life, time, work 83.18 % / 1387 votes. He knew a shortcut. Pink fluff. Michaels energy influenced my entire experience at the conference., Mary Anne Yurkiw, Food Matters Conference Chair, YOU ROCK! #38 I once owned a paper business but it folded. IE 11 is not supported. Its hard being remotely funny working from home. #90 My wife tells me I talk in my sleep all the time. Immediately, they left a message on their machine saying the new order cannot be placed until the last bill has been paid. endeavor. I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus. Whats the problem with unemployment jokes? Quote a one-liner and take a crack at comedy while at the doctor's office to lighten your physician's mood. Always borrow money from a pessimist. No, she says shed rather have it in a cup. Eric Morecambe, My granddad always said never judge a book by its cover. Is it half-empty? A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. The company relocated and didnt tell me where! What starts with a W and ends with a T. It does, I swear! Sunday. 2. Im on season 6, but Im not sure what its got to do with security. 80+ short Friday jokes, puns and one-liners to welcome the weekend It took me ten minutes just to shuffle the cards for solitaire. A list of 47 Work puns! I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day! Sir Cumference. A committee. #29 Whats the best way of making a small fortune in the stock market? He was tired of the hole business! PurchaseAgreement | What happens if you get scared half to death twice. #77 Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. #28 Ive found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's always loafin' around. What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Either way, these doctor jokes are sure to elicit a smile. I saw it today while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin. 75 Funny Puns and One-Liners For Kids and Adults - TODAY Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Shes 97 now and we dont know where she is. Ellen DeGeneres, I got a great review this morning. Because it is a feel-good Friday. If you need to leave your audience energized with great content, I highly recommend Michael Kerr!, Dana Cooper, Executive Director, Orthotics Prosthetics Canada, Michael held the full attention of our senior management team for a full 4-hour presentation! I love cleaning up messes I didn't make. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Doh! Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal. Paul F Taylor, A man walked into the doctors. Because it was soda pressing! Making weather forecasters look good! #75 The trouble with being punctual for business meetings is that nobodys there to appreciate it. There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. Q: Why does Sunday always beat Monday in arm wrestling? 22 Summer One Liners - The funniest summer jokes - OneLineFun.com 98. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. In the joke world hierarchy, one-liners are a gem: they're easy to remember, take no time to tell, and if crafted just right pack a mightier punch than a joke with a longer set up. Who's there? Its Monday: Youre staring down another week of work and need some convincing theres a reason to feel anything but dread something to give you hope youll make it to Friday. #34 Ive been told by coworkers that Im condescendingthat means I talk down to people. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, then what youve lost is a pigeon. Sara Pascoe, It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it youre adding raisins and marshmallows its a rocky road. Olaf Falafel, Somebody just gave me a shower radio. 107 Clean, Funny Work Jokes You Can Tell At The Office (Or - Fatherly Q: What do. So I said, 20.. But Im skeptical. My room is not dirty. Yes, Im here to install the phone lines. I sent my hearing aids in for repair 3 weeks ago. #32 When I was younger, I really wanted to be a bankerbut I kept losing interest. To blame it on someone else shows management potential. Click this button to find out. Blue sky at night: day. Tom Parry, My great uncle Arthur died at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. A peony for your thoughts. (& Other Questions! ContactUs | "Do these genes make me look fat?" 3. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd, You know youre getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. Enter these funny one-liners. What do you call stealing ideas from many? I grew up on Angel Delight! Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing its Tuesday. I always tell new hires, dont think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you. #45 My interviewer told me my wage would increase to $2,500 per month after six monthsI told him Id start then. Yesterday, I ate a yogurt named Susan; how cute is that? Check out the punniest news headlines of 2019) Q: What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes? If you have a great, clean workplace joke that youd like to share please drop us a line well be adding to the list and would be happy to include your suggestions! #8 The banker fell overboard from a friends sailboat. I feel better already! Dave Barry, Its sad day when your child looks up at you and asks: Daddy, is this organic? Organic? 23. I rang up British Telecom and said: I want to report a nuisance caller. He said: Not you again. Tim Vine, Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld, I was in my car driving back from work. She whispered, Theyre right behind you!, What did one hat say to the other hat? What do dentists call their x-rays? The first five days after the weekend are the hardest. 15 Clean Jokes And One-liners That Will Make Everyone Laugh How does the ocean say hi? What must you know to be an auctioneer? I read a book about about helium once. Why is cold water so insecure? Privacy&Security | He said, Ive hurt my arm in several places. The doctor said, Well dont go there any more. And thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, You missed work yesterday, didnt you? I said, No, not particularly.. Your debt will stay with you if you can't budge it. Diet Jokes. 29. You wouldnt want to catch one of those computer viruses. Dad Jokes Are Funny Jokes: The Complete Fatherly Guide. We have a great list of 450 Fun Questions to Ask Anyone and 140 Funny Things to Say in Any Situation. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They are cooked in Greece. Why dont skeletons fight each other? #43 I had a nightmare of a day, the computers went down and everything had to be done manually. #66 Were lucky that the last minute exists. Why don't pirates know the alphabet? Then weve got you covered. But he wasnt involved in the fighting. Whats a pirates favorite content? It was an udder cowincidence. Can you make a cup of tea?. What's the best way to make a hotdog stand? Nobody at work ever mentions it.. Daily Life Jokes. He took a day off. 59. Why did the can crusher quit his job? And the man replies, "Oh, something's wrong everything you sell sucks.". #15 How many marketers does it take to screw a light bulb? What is faster than the Flash? When you yeast expect it. I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Why did the belt go to jail? Bacon will kill you. The highlight of my week was my new vacuum cleaner. 175 Bad JokesBest Really Bad Jokes (2023) - Parade Did you hear about the. It means I can only play the homeless, and possibly Jesus. Russell Brand, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, People say Bill, are you an optimist? And I say, I hope so. Bill Bailey, My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. Michael had everyone in stitches and offered amazing workplace food for thought., Janice Vilaca, Program Administrator, Co-operative Education, Wilfred Laurier University, Ive seen Michael four times hes amazing. And its not like it was hard to find. Ed Byrne, A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. 100 Funny Christmas Puns - Best Holiday Puns and One-Liners 2. I was a test-tube baby. Billy Connolly, Im sure wherever my Dad is: hes looking down on us. Send you one-liners to mike@mikekerr.com. What did one dessert say to the other? Knock Knock The photon replies, No, Im traveling light.. Great, but where do the copies come out?. A rocket chip. Last night, I accidentally superglued my thumb and finger together but dont worry, it will be ok. . Which day do potatoes fear the most? Get clover it. I was just in the breakroom, and someone threw milk at me How dairy! I dont work well under pressure. He needed to recharge his batteries. Cute Puns. De-Monday, just like the rest of us. #48 My new colleagues are so much fun, they write names on all the food. Did you hear about the unfaithful espresso? Two snowmen are standing in a field.
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clean puns one liners for work
