Happy New Year Everybody! In an effort to avoid doing any real work and writing something with any merit, I have drawn up a list! A list of games to be precise. To feed the content machine and sate my editorial masters.(We demand more, for we must feed- editor) Allow me to proudly present:
Games In 2015 That Corey Thinks Look Pretty Good But Knows Deep Down They Will Ultimately Disappoint Him And Fail To Fill The Vast Emptiness That Dwells Within.
Catchy, no? Fittingly I have ranked this in order of Impending Disappointed-ness.
Dark Souls 2: Scholar of the First Sin
Disappointment Rating: I just found out this is a thing.
Considering I didn’t know about this an hour before I started writing, the threshold for disappointment is low. I bought Dark Souls 2 on the cheap during the Steam sale. Haven’t played it yet. Why bother though, it won’t be as good as Demon’s Souls (the best Souls game in case you were wondering). Maybe being on a current gen system means the game environments won’t look like ass.
Dying Light
Disappointment Rating: They made Dead Island, right?
Zombies have been done to death, if you’ll excuse the rather bland pun. Yet it’s on my list so it’s clearly grabbed my attention and used it to drag me into a horde of gnashing, rotting teeth. Parkour is kind of cool. If there’s one thing that was missing from Mirror’s Edge it was the undead. So prove me wrong Dying Light! Prove me wrong!
No Man’s Sky
Disappointment Rating: Super-massive black hole
There’s just no way this can be good, right? It’s just too big! Too ambitious! Too colourful. There has to be a catch. You’re going to give a universe wide, procedurally generated space to fly around in and explore, calling upon the classic sci fi works I hold so dear, and there’s no downside? Hahaha, nice try guys, but I know a Faustian bargain when I see one. Jokes on you, I already lost my soul to a banshee in a game of chance.
Apotheon
Disappointment Rating: Herculean
I feel like the time between this game’s announcement and it’s release will be the equivalent to the time it took Greece to go from a collection of city-states to one unified country. Every so often I have to remind myself that this is a game that’s being made, and that I’m looking forward to it.
Everybody’s Gone To The Rapture
Disappointment Rating: I never get invited to any cool parties.
The end of the world is a great setting to offer up philosophical quandaries such as “I wonder if there’s a heaven,” and “I wonder if everyone is naked in heaven?” I want to know as little as possible going into this game, it seems like it would be a title that would benefit from a certain amount of ignorance. I don’t really know what to expect other than I find the whole thing rather intriguing.
Reset
Disappointment Rating: Lost, like tears in the rain
Sad robots stomping about in the rain, and the promise of time travel. Well you certainly have my attention. If you’re likening your game to a mix of Dear Esther and Portal, well they are some lofty ambitions for sure. All the more impressive it’s coming from a two person team. Furthermore, oh, me from the future has just shown up. He/I claim that there are puzzles that need solving and I’m the only man for the job. That is, me, twice over.
Rainworld
Disappointment Rating: Grey skies
SLUGCAT!
Below
Disappointment Rating: Dead canary
I thought Superbrothers: Sword and Sworcery EP was pretty cool. Initial disappointment of Below being an Xbox One exclusive was resolved when I bought a PC. So things are looking up! From below. Right?
Firewatch
Disappointment Rating: Ants ruined my picnic
Apparently only I can prevent forest fires. So an American bear tells me. Seriously I would have thought one of the richest nations in the world could allocate funding for fire prevention, but I guess not. Judging from the name of this game, I have failed to prevent a fire (I’m just one man guys). I guess I should watch it, to make sure it doesn’t go anywhere.
Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six: Siege
Disappointment Rating: So when you said tango down, you weren’t asking for a dance?
I am ready! Lock up your Halos and put away your CoDs. Give me a tactical, squad based multiplayer shooter where my squad and I can ruthlessly neutralise targets for good old Uncle Sam and the USA USA USA!
Rime
Disappointment Rating: Grime
You know what guys, maybe games these days look TOO GOOD! The contrast between Rime’s beautifully coloured world and the grey Scottish skies I have to bow my head under is far too jarring. Why can’t I run about in a toga and have whimsical adventures? Most Anticipated Toga Time 2015.
Mad Max
Disappointment Rating: Thunderdome
Just Cause 2 is a great game and Mad Max 2 is a great film. If only we could combine these two things somehow! It’d be crazy if we got the Just Cause developers to make a Mad Max game alongside the upcoming film. Call me crazy, but it might just work. On a side note, have you seen the latest trailer for Fury Road? Isn’t it bonkers?! To be fair, isn’t that just Australia at the best of times anyway?
Routine
Disappointment Rating: Putting things on the Moon is pretty cool, but then I saw Iron Sky and wished for a theatre rat to rob me of my sight, so that I could stop watching Iron Sky.
It pretty much sold me with “abandoned moon base full of killer robots.”
Volume
Disappointment Rating: Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood
Mike Bithell, famed indie developer who introduced emotion to shapes, has decided the take Robin Hood and Metal Gear Solid, and smash them together to see what happens. If that doesn’t get you even a little excited then it would seem you and I have differing tastes when it comes to games, and I respect that.
Tom Clancy’s The Division
Disappointment Rating: Watch_Dogs 2: The Disappointening
Remember when we all saw Watch Dogs and thought “YES! THIS IS THE NEXT GENERATION OF GAMES.” Then it turned out it wasn’t? Yeah, I get the feeling The Division could be riding a carriage on that very same train.
Hyper Light Drifter
Disappointment Rating: Dark Souls 2
“We’re going to mix some Zelda with some Dark Souls, then strain it through Sword and Sworcery. Then we’ll give it a wonderful lick of paint and lather that with a subdued ambient soundtrack. You in?”
“Can I have it now?”
“No.”
“:(“
Hotline Miami 2
Disappointment Rating: Having your bath interrupted by a tele-salesman
NEON MURDER PARTY DEUX!!! NEON MURDER PARTY DEUX!!!
Vane
Disappointment Rating: The Last Guardian’s Release Date
The people who are working on the beautiful looking Vane are ex-developers on the Last Guardian. Which begs the question, how do we know they developed anything at all? Ever. Ha, I’m joking of course, can’t wait to see what the Japanese indie studio produces.
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
Disappointment Rating: You’re a Witcher, Harry!
Imagine if this game was anything less than perfect, after all the times it was pushed back, and how pretty the fur physics are. I mean it does look nice, and the big open world is sure to be a marvel to behold, but am I really willing to invest hours upon hours into another lengthy RPG? It’ll need a story that rivals Hemingway or some pretty tight combat mechanics, because quite frankly Dark Souls ruined me when it comes to melee systems.
Batman: Arkham Knight
Disappointment Rating: Seeing your parents gunned down in an alley
Arkham City pretty much proved that bigger does not always mean better when it comes to sequels. So let’s not do that again. Admittedly the Batmobile seems kind of rad!
Kentucky Route Zero Act 4 (and 5?)
Disappointment Rating: Silly over-bearing text adventures
Just give me more Kentucky Route Zero please. And if you insist on making me participate in a text adventure nostalgia trip on an old oscilloscope, try to make the experience feel organic to the situation, which is what made the first 2 acts so strong. Then again I probably wouldn’t notice if you disappointed me. Not for a while anyway.
Final Fantasy XV
Disappointment Rating: Final Fantasy XIII
Will the hottest new boy band on the scene be able to release their new album by the end of 2015? All signs point to maybe. Critics agree it could “go either way.”
Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain
Disappointment Rating: Kiefer Sutherland
I’m not sure I like the super serious 24 esque direction Metal Gear is hurtling towards. Seeing as how MGS 4 was “the final chapter” I doubt how many big revelations we can have, when we all know how it’s going to end. Maybe we should let Kojima do something new, before he makes a terrible mistake? In saying that, I will certainly play more Metal Gear.
Star Wars Battlefront
Disappointment Rating: The Phantom Menace
The original Star Wars Battlefront takes up a very special place in my heart. It’s reveal trailer made me tear up a little. If this isn’t any good I’ll probably end up lying to myself and convincing myself that it is.
Bloodborne
Disappointment Rating: INFINITE
Lordy, I hope this is good. I really, REALLY want this to be excellent. My hopes are sky high for From Software’s newest title. Next gen or bust!
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